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positivity - trying to be happy...

Wed Apr 11, 2012 9:21 pm

I recently found myself struggling really really badly with irrational thoughts, terror, anxiety and general feelings of dread.j
I‘ve had this for a long time. However, this is an especially bad attack.
It‘s like, I‘ll get scared over silly stuff, stuff I can‘t control. And the fear is crippling. And I can‘t make it stop.
Or I‘ll start to worry about anything, things that are perfectly safe and normal. For example, checking my emails makes me sick with dread, and I have no clue why. For some reason if something scares me, I will compulsively do it over and over and over again. I must check my inbox once an hour at least.
Or I‘ll get it into my head that I did something awful, something I didn‘t do. I almost choke sometimes because the dread stops my breathing.

But I‘ve strayed from the point...
I now can tell if an attack is about to occur. I notice “trigger thoughts“ (such as, “You are a bad, bad person and everything is your fault!“) and can sometimes slam the brakes. I think, “No. Thinking like this will hurt you.“ and wrench my mind away before I have chance to dissolve into a panic stricken, vomiting, sobbing mess.
I know how badly I need help. I know I need some kind of councelling and or medication. But at last, I have some control over my mind. I feel better, sort of.
More positive, mostly because I have learned to live in the moment instead of analyzing the past until I go mad of fearing the future.

This was meant to be a happy piece... :( sorry, I just couldn‘t stop writing. Bits of this seem a little disturbing (to me, anyway) which I didn‘t intend! :)

I just wanted to pour my heart out to you guys because I consider you my friends.

Re: positivity - trying to be happy...

Thu Apr 12, 2012 2:21 pm

i dont get how checking your email is scary but i feel sorry for you

Re: positivity - trying to be happy...

Thu Apr 12, 2012 4:15 pm

I'm sorry to hear you having a bad attack lately, Holly but I'm glad you can control it to a degree with slaming on the breaks. I find my mind works similarly as if I'm thinking of a bad memory, that will lead to another and it will just go downhill from there so I often find myself trying to distract myself onto something more pleasant.

I'm glad you have manage to focus on the present as I think that really important as I find the majority of my bad feelings come from either the past or the future. It's reminds me of a book I own called the Alphabet of the Human Heart with "N is Now" and the quote "It doesn't matter where you've been. It doesn't matter where you're going. It only matter where you're at." and "Forget the past, ignore the future, be present to the present. Now." which I find it quite inspirational.

Re: positivity - trying to be happy...

Thu Apr 12, 2012 6:12 pm

I get the same thing with emails sometimes, Holly, but it will always be emails from a specific person. When I was at university, I really loved this guy who was a friend of mine's older brother. We used to email each other a lot and, for some inexplicable reason, I would be terrified when I saw his name pop up on my Inbox list and I would have to really talk myself into opening it and would often rely on friends to talk me into this. When I did open them, they were always very pleasant and friendly and I used to feel stupid as I knew objectively that he had no reason to be nasty to me but it didn't stop me feeling the same the next time. Now I have the same thing with my old headmaster. Objectively I know he would never be nasty to me (indeed, as a professional, he could get in big trouble if he was!) but I just can't bring myself to read his replies to my emails to him (I've only sent him 3 or 4 of them) without support. I don't know what tricks my mind is playing on me but I don't like them. I hope you feel better soon.
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