Its been many years since I escaped the clutches of being a teenager.
Now, I really cannot bring myself to do anything without motivation, without reason. If my heart isn't set on something, to want to do something I cannot put 100% into doing it. Sound familiar to anyone?
Its been quite a while since I was here, its been a while since I really said much too!
Firstly I admit it, outright, I face the fact that I'm in a fairly lazy state these days, I'm 23 now, been out of college for a year now and though I've been to the job centre and told them exactly what I'd be looking to do I'm stuck here, at the precipice of bond idleness living the lazy man's luxury. I hate it, I personally hate it. I know, there's no work going for people here, there's very finite windows of opportunity for me. My actual difficulties are fairly minor these days but I still suffer from not so good coordination and balance, nothing else really, I got some qualifications and I could do something of a higher education level for a few years and hope things get better but really. Let's look at the harsh reality. I know people who have difficulties that pale my own and none at all with various levels of qualifications. They're all in the same boat, they're all in the gutter waiting for the worms to come.
There'll be a light at the tunnel eventually but, really. Right now, 2013, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. Time is flying by and its all the same. There could be worse, there really could. I'm getting grief off my sister and my dad over the fact I'm not "making something of my life". What exactly is "Making something of your life" when there's people of all shapes, all sizes, all sorts of qualifications out there in this lucky dip. No one's guaranteed to get into work and make a living. England, a once proud country with a marvellous self sufficient industry is once again, rotting to the core. We are the forgotten, the lost, the lonely the poor forgotten souls.
What gives ME the guarantee to get something that so many can not. Where is the hope? Where is the faith? Is there really a happy ending?
Its a bit of a deep issue but, I'd like some insight onto it.
I spend most of my time listening to music, writing, playing my guitars, learning songs or experimenting with my pedals but the problem there is after a certain time I can't due to people sleeping and the reason I get myself into silly sleeping patterns? Well, funnily enough, right, the best bouts of creativeness hit at stupid-o-clock and if I sleep instead, I forget everything in my head.
The only connection to what keeps me sane, what reminds me of my own humanity is music. Why can't we live in a world as free and prevalent as music?
I did music as a BTEC, I turned down the chance to pursue it as a degree as I felt that regardless if I did or didn't do it it would lead to me to the same place I am now. The void between rhyme and reason.
What do I want to do? career wise I'd be happy being stuck in a museum, learning and sharing vast vaults of knowledge with people.
I'd also like to create music that can make my name renowned for years but hey, I'm a realist, best I'll do is get a few gigs, do a few albums with a few friends and I am doing that when I can (funnily enough my friends are in the same boat, one has a job at a pub but his family owns it) and that's fun, that really is fun.
I'm doing driving lessons but they're bloody hard and I cannot motivate myself to do more than one a week (family wants me to do 2-3 and pass quick, waaat). Friends have mine have killed the time and escaped all this by playing video games constantly but, I cannot do that anymore. I'm too aware that they exist only to suck you in. (Doesn't mean they're bad, only really good games like Skyrim catch me out... man I spend weeks without proper sleep on that). So until the day comes when by some trick of fate I get an offer for the sort of job I'm looking for I'm stuck doing nothing most of the time. I try explaining it to the family and they're adamant I waste my time with voluntary work, anything and I don't have the confidence I can do something like, working in a bar. (I'd drink the place dry in general frustration probably ahaha
Confidence is the issue, motivation is the issue, I have no faith in myself that I can pass the time, I have no hope for the short term I can ride out this manic storm of suck. Such is the way of life, School, college, university, dole. I skipped university.
I AM looking at other courses to do, to see if more qualifications can see me going somewhere in this thing we call "life".
For now, I am just another brick in the wall so to speak.