El, I understand how you are feeling - I have had similar problems myself this year. Unfortunately, I didn't think of getting doctor's letter to certify that I've been struggling with anxiety until it was too late and there will be no allowances made for me by the examiners. I will not be getting the First that was expected at the outset. I do not even know if I will manage a 2.i. Because there is so little that I can do about it now, I've had to try and gain a broader perspective on things.
My therapist has told me that even though it seems as though university fills your world and your options will be limited severely by a poor performance, this is just the perception of a stressed student and in no way reflects reality. I do not always believe this, and it took me several months of counselling before I could even accept it as true for some of the time, but luckily today is one of the days when I can see that she's right. I love books. No matter what my grade is, I will always be able to read and mess about with a pen in my own right. In fact, a heavy focus on my results compromises the pleasure I would ordinarily take from a book, which means that the results can't be worth that much in the greater scheme of things. After all, in years to come I won't be thinking about the grade I got for my analysis of Bapsi Sidwa's Ice Candy Man
whenever I go to pick it up off the shelf - I will just be thinking about the novel itself and what an old friend it is. (Well, so I hope.
) Similarly, what will matter the most to you in the future is not the mark you get in your exams, but how much you enjoy music and what you can give to other people (and yourself) because of it.
One fear that recurs in my head is that I will be excluded from postgraduate study because I haven't won any prizes or achieved top marks. Then my therapist told me that there are several postgrads and postdoc students in the university - some of whom are specialists in their fields - who didn't do well on their undergraduate courses for one reason or another. Your exam results don't dictate your life. And even if your choices are constrained slightly by what you achieve (which is a possibility) there is no reason to suppose that you won't end up in a career more enjoyable and rewarding than the dream job you have built for yourself in your head. Recently I applied for a job as a learning support assistant at a special school for children with profound autism. The hourly pay was only just above the minimum wage. It isn't a graduate job. Very few qualifications are required - just GCSEs and patience. But if it interests me, what does that matter?
Regarding your admissions to the course next year, if you speak to your own therapist or the disability adviser they may be able to arrange for the rules to be waived in your case, as it seems odd that you would be penalised for trying your best and handing work in. Don't deliberately fail. Try your hardest and let the university authorities take care of the rest.
Finally, there is a quotation from the writings of St John of the Cross (a Spanish poet) that I always remember during exam time. "In the evening of life we will be judged on love alone." That involves what we are just as much as what we do. Test results do not matter much to the people whom we come into contact with every single day. Then what matters is just ourselves.
Love and prayers,